My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.
No DNA test necessary.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*
*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*
Me: This painting really speaks to me.
Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.