In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.