But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
to be the man who walked 1000 miles
to get away from you.
I want a divorce.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
*approaches man sitting at the bar
Me: would you like to dance
Me: that’s great because I need to sit down
Her: I kind of like an old-fashioned guy.
Me, trying to impress her: *Dies of dysentery*
Twinkle twinkle line of coke, you’re the reason why I’m broke. 🙁
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn