@weinerdog4life

In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!

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@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

@MisterBombay

Eighteen is too young to get married. You can’t even buy alcohol. If you can’t drink, how are you going to make your marriage work?

@HatfieldAnne

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

@E_lok44

I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

@UnFitz

When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.

@andiedandie0

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

@junejuly12

*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym*

*wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*

@Death_Buddy

FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.

PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.

@andylevy

*double-checks the constitution to see if we really have to have a president*

@hazelmotes1

Me: This painting really speaks to me.

Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.