In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
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some cats are just doing for fun!
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME