@cigarin

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”

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@funnyordie

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

@bgdadyspnkbtm

Nobody notices how sad you are until it turns into anger and you’re feeding them into a wood chipper

@SondraDeeMe

I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@TheMichaelRock

*sees Salvation Army bell ringer*

“Here you go, buddy. Merry Christmas!”

“Sir, we don’t accept children.”

*runs away*

@JohnHilsen

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

@Froschauer_AF

Daughter likes bananas.

Daughter likes banana bread.

Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.

@LlamaInaTux

Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear