In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
You Might Also Like
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Quadruple digit IQ
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾