In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
You Might Also Like
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
That’s incredible! 👌
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
How to properly lift a body
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.