@TommyKarate

In extremely rare cases women have been known to sleep with me.

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@d_duhwit

Me:”But if, as the sign says, there are ‘no right turns’ can u really fault me for making a wrong one.”
Cop:”Thats deep but, yes.”

@Lisa_Laughs_

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

@Marcmywords2

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

@ItsSamG

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

@thetits

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

@RobbieGramer

Trumps’ “VOICE” Hotline set up for people to report on crime from illegal aliens was reportedly overloaded with calls about space aliens

@junejuly12

As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.