I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
You Might Also Like
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.