Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.
Have kids. It’s fun.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Girls who say bestie are the worstie.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
body in my trunk: haha
No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.