*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
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nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
😲 WTF? 😆
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?