*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

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Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?


If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.


I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.


Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!


*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*


My kids have strategically placed items in an overflowing garbage can like they’re building a Jenga puzzle.

Have kids. It’s fun.


Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.


cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: is it the body in my trunk?

cop: haha

me: haha

body in my trunk: haha


No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.