It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
You Might Also Like
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.