In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
You Might Also Like
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.