[naming our daughter]
wife: i love the name anna
me: i love soft french cheeses.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”