In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

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[naming our daughter]

wife: i love the name anna

me: i love soft french cheeses.

wife: brianna?


*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”

Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”


After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.


I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.


I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing


ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?

DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before


a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real


Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.


When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”