@tastefactory

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it

- @tastefactory

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“Two can play at that game”
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.

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Ten years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash & Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, & no rope to hang myself with if I read this again.

@Hormonella

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
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@CliffDuffy

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

@TweetPotato314

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

@DanMentos

for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas

@UnfilteredMama

We’re currently showing our home & still living there.

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I preheated the oven to make dinner.

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