In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
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Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Most fashion shows these days…
this could fix me
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.