In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Strangers have the best candy.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.