In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
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stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.