In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
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My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
not for long
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?