@Vodkantots

In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.

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@drinksmcgee

Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.

You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.

@figgled

TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍

@Dave_in_SoPo

Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.

And send.

@CopBroughtPizza

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

@AndrewsNotFunny

[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon

@stephanieboland

On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.

Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce

@jonnysun

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.

“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

@Beerhaze

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

@fro_vo

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.

But I stand by my advice.