Me, a Canadian: The metric system is easy. 100mm = 1cm. 100cm = 1m. Super easy.
You, an American: The imperial system is easy. 1 Flapjangle = 7.2 Flogboggles. 29 Flogboggles = 3.97 Dingmarkles. Super easy.
In hell, every day is Thanksgiving and you’re never allowed to unbutton your pants.
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TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
On the sofa and hear boyfriend start laughing to himself in the kitchen.
Turns out he’d just learned that 88 couples have come out of quarantine in China and immediately filed for divorce
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.