Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
You Might Also Like
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.