My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!
In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.
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My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.
Patient: “How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten what?” Doctor: “Nine…”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.