@CandyEmpires

In hell, everyone can see your Google search history.

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@ImHopel3ss

My dealer said he’ll be here in 20 minutes with the best popcorn ever. We’re gonna watch a movie!

@broken_rhi

My friend just said “I hope you’re staying out of trouble,” and we laughed and laughed.

@max_pad21

Patient: “How much longer do I have doc? Doctor: “Ten.” Patient: “Ten what?” Doctor: “Nine…”

@ol_boo

*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*

Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.

Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.

@ddsmidt

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

@TheAlexNevil

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

@ParasiteHilton

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

@Quartzjixler

Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.

@Darlainky

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.