I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
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Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I sexually identify as a hand grenade