Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”