@lovestained555

In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.

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@david8hughes

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

@LibelousLurker

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

@KeetPotato

[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”

@Daveastated

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@CubanaMama82

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

@awhalefact

a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning

@TheAndrewNadeau

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”