In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
A dead goose is called a ghoost
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Siri, fight Alexa.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.