INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”