In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
You Might Also Like
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not