Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Silence is golden…
But duct tape is silver.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Hahaha oh Harry Shearer, you’re cautiously beloved.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut