@HRTSMRT

In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.

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@RepoMan_617

Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results

See Also: Going back to your ex

@simoncholland

I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.

@bacon_gillepic

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

@LurkAtHomeMom

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

@AmishPornStar1

Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…

Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.

@Ideal_Victoria

Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.

Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@bridger_w

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut