In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon