The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
Rather alarming headline…
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
huge valentines day plans this year!!