In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
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That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either