In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.

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[me holding a door]

PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.

ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.


Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.


Daniel Day-Lewis is so method that in preparation for the role of Abraham Lincoln in ‘Lincoln’ he spent ten months on the side of a penny.


[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta


[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together


*eats dinner with two portions, one for each personality*


Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away


When I say books rule you say shhhh



Librarian: SHHHH!


Librarian: SHHHH!

Me: awwww yeaaaah


Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…