In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
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10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.