HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
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I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Does your wife know you’re single?
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever