7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
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some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I occasionally drink every single night.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice