I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.