@jake_lach

In hell, your socks are always wet

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@lazerdoov

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

@Skoog

[planning robbery]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

@beefman138

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

@girlontapas

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

@aotakeo

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

@NicestHippo

Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

@deeeebag

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

@BrettDruck

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

@chapel3929

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler