LOOOOOOL
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”