@jake_lach

In hell, your socks are always wet

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@better_off_dad

Life is like a Rubik’s Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.

@Jamberee13

Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?

@KrazykurtKurt

Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.

@TheSwanDon

Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.

@FauxPelini

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

@Brampersandon_

[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.

@pro_worrier_

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

@stats_canada

84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”

@armyantstudios

My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.

@Jade_VK

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster