In hell, your socks are always wet

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Life is like a Rubik’s Cube

It may look like a jumbled mess at first, but in the end it will make you want to beat the shit out of someone.


Angel: So the sins are deadly.

God: Yep!

Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?

God: Well, no.

Angel: So why call them deadly?

God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?


Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.


Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.


Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”


[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?

[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.


If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.


84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”


My doctor told me to get a lot of rest and fluids so I’ve been on a drunk rage in my bedroom since 1988.


Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster