In hell, your socks are always wet

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The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.


If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.



Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!


Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps


BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?


If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.


Sure I’ll eat square slices of pizza, but I’m thinking of triangular ones the whole time.


[In emergency room]

mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?

dr. frankenstein: 75,000.


*on a first date*

Me: I’m in financ-

Her: oh finance that’s cool

Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt


*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*