In hell, your socks are always wet

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

[planning robbery]

leader: we need a fall guy

me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]

leader: he’s perfect

I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

Props to every deodorant commercial ever for abandoning all creativity and just going with “If you buy this, women will have sex with you”

I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.

Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.

I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.

Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

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