We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
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“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I’m Sold!
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat