@ankles_so_weak

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

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@TheAlexNevil

Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.

@pleatedjeans

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

@IvoryGazelle

*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef

@badbanana

Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.

@tastefactory

Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds

@Jandalize

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

@robfee

Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.

@Tierno158

My motto is “Grab Life by the Balls.”

As you might imagine, being dyslexic, I spend a lot of time apologizing to guys named “Leif.”