I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES