[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.