Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
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Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?
Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Historic moments in rap.
Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y