@PleaseBeGneiss

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

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@Iwriteforcats

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Window repairman: What happened did someone try to break into your house?

Me: No. My gf said we needed to talk

@TheBoydP

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

@caithuls

[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

@I_am_carbs

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

@LizerReal

How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?

@_troyjohnson

Historic moments in rap.

Jay W [username taken]
Jay X [username taken]
Jay Y [username taken]
Jay Z

@weenbeans

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

@Junkyardigan

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*

@Reverend_Scott

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y