[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
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There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas