[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
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80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Bed should get ready for ME
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th