The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
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Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
We’re all getting idioter.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked