In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
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(Gaming support cat.)
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
This is the coolest video you will see today.