In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.