In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
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Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
when your wife asks about the texts from Marie
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
What