Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
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Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.