In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
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Stop it! 😂
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Incredible customer service.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”