In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
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[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
thank god
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.