In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
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I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
i think we should see other cousins
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT