“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
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“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.
If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I need better friends
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.