Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
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CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Kidney stones? Hard pass