in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

You Might Also Like


“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said


Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.


If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.


[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.


The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime


whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.