@jennifermerr

in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.

i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”

then i left to go do drugs

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@chrissyteigen

“Whose funeral was this photo taken at?” John, serious tone: “I dunno. Let’s see who’s missing” possible funniest thing john has said

@GaryJanetti

Apple is developing an iPhone that pregnant women can swallow so fetuses can go online since they have nothing else to do in there.

@_BryanZ_

If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.

@copymama

[Baby shower]

Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.

@Chhapiness

The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime

@heroofthehour

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.