in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
You Might Also Like
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly