In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
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If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..