[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-


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My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…


stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day


a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.


Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*


Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age


I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.


[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?


[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard