My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.
I’m really starting to worry about this virus…
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stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
?When the moon hits your eye?
You’ll be killed.
I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Whom hath released the hounds? Whom? Whom? Whom? Whom?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard