@R_2_PEE_2

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

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@BGH70

My neighbor bought a Corolla, then one appeared in my other neighbor’s driveway.

I’m really starting to worry about this virus…

@abu29ine

stop asking me ‘wyd’ i am literally at home reliving the same day every day

@molly7anne

a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.

@TheBoydP

Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*

@iwearaonesie

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

@pinningnut

I never question my sanity, I’m afraid it will answer back.

@joci2203

[first date]

Him: Why are you being so distant?

Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?

@Jennuflect

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard