I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
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Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior
Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time
Joseph: around what time
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.