@XplodingUnicorn

In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:

1) Going on vacation

2) Taking my family

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@Hobo_Splendido

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

@Barknado69

Joseph: no rooms? Dude she’s about to give birth to humanity’s savior

Innkeeper: sorry we get really busy around Christmas time

Joseph: around what time

@gobmentcheese

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

@Yurt

Someone made a Mario maker stage that just had a single long clear pipe all the way to a goal pole with a description that read.
“This system helps Mario cross over dams in seconds rather than days”

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

@ArfMeasures

[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier

@Tobi_Is_Fab

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

@weinerdog4life

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

@BigJDubz

[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]

Me: Can we talk about salary?

Boss: Not if you want to keep your job

@Vice_Queen

LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.