[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
You Might Also Like
hear me out : pockets for your socks
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
dads on road-trips be like
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …