@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

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@rebrafsim

[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?

@bridger_w

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

@abbycohenwl

*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*

@georgeattherock

“I’m going out”
• boring
• obvious
• might be illegal now?

“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Mysterious
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health

@Xoolun

The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.

So I have no switched to mint Oreos.

@aotakeo

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

@3sunzzz

I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.

Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.