In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
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Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“I’m going out”
• might be illegal now?
“I’m going outside for my state approved singular daily walk”
• Kinda Soviet
• Good for public health
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
The doctor told me I need more greens in my diet.
So I have no switched to mint Oreos.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.