In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
You Might Also Like
That 👊
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Sniffing the broccoli
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.