@GeauxSaints79

In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.

Disregard this if you are in prison.

@VaguelyFunnyDan

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@peeb_z

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

@Mom_Overboard

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

@petemandik

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

@TheBoydP

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]