Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
In hindsight, using the word “harder” as the safe word, was not the best idea.
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A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
“LeBron has cramps”… I get those every month you baby.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]