Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
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Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it